The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
