I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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