I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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