I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
