I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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