I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
