remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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