if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
