does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
