you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
