the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
