My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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