hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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