So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
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I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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