my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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