Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
