Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
