He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
