just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
