I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
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My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
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She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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