Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
