Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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