Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
