Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
