is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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