I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
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I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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