you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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