When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
