my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just forgot I was standing up.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
