8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize