lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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