Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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