Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
