So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
