I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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