I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
