Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
