remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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