Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet