Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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