my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
