gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
