our cab driver is having phone sex.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
