So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize