the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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