i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
