this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
