True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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