I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
