i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
