I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
