the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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