the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
