just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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