is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
