kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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