I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
