I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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