She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
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I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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